THE CLYDESDALE

SPOILED BRAT-WURST

2011-02-28T14:26:00.000-08:00

The Clydesdale has been spending alot of time in the desert recently. Unfortunately Arizona is in the desert, along with plenty of Ford Mustangs and fake boobies. This is an ideal setting to catch a SF Giants spring training game. Nothing felt better than driving over the state line back into California.

DAY OLD BREAD RACK

2011-02-28T14:21:00.000-08:00

If you happen to call your super good friend to let them know about the 2 new sauces at Taco Bell and they make fun of you for being behind on the times, get new friends.

LAUNDRY BILL

2011-02-28T14:15:00.000-08:00

The Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Party was last week in Las Vegas, and as a treat to the crowd the magazine made final negotiations for The Clydesdale to speak. I remember that part, what I don't remember is shitting my pants.

WALL SCRAPER

2011-01-31T15:14:00.000-08:00

Be light on your feet, eat Halibut, grilled veggies, polenta cakes and salad.

The playing of loud classic rock music and a pumpkin spice candle not included.

...THE SWEETER THE JUICE?

2011-01-31T15:05:00.000-08:00

Who would have thought Montel knew so much about smoothies? This guy broke all the stereo types by endorsing this industrial size blender. I personally like the grape and chocolate/watermelon smoothie, but here we have a combo of beets, black kale, ginger, apples, berries and other shit. MMMM Ready to strangle the day.

TASTES OLD

2011-01-31T15:03:00.000-08:00

Retro packaging is cooler than new packaging.

MERCURY POISON

2011-01-31T14:57:00.000-08:00

Let me have it...

TOP HEAVY

2011-01-31T14:45:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like taco night with a few pro Jenga players. The ancient wood block game originated in Germany around the 1850's. One of the reasons so many Germans have flat-top hair cuts is to mimic the games playing pieces in hopes of not only staying balanced, but to also maneuver swiftly around the tower.

Veggie Beef & Pickle tacos

Roasted Asparagus

Black Beans and Mexi rice

KABOODLE TO BOOT

2011-01-19T07:45:00.000-08:00

"Hey dude, want to buy a charm"? If your able to get passed all the hippies selling crap in Venice Beach, a great vegan place is SEED.

A BBQ Tempeh Burger and house salad will make you invisible to vendors.

FLAVOUR COUNTRY

2011-01-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

I added the 'U' in flavour on purpose, OK? Try to spell that euro style in scrabble and you'll be thrown through an american double pane window.

A surprise spread of blackberry jam accompanied my ham and cheese biscuit.

Thats how my day started, probably cooler than yours.

BE SOME BODY

2011-01-02T08:50:00.000-08:00

People from Texas eat this on the first of the year to bring good luck. So if you didn't eat this on the first of the year, your pretty much fucked.

Black eyed peas

Collard Greens

Toasted corn bread

PART TOO

2010-12-27T20:30:00.000-08:00

Roast Beef

Potatoes

Peas/Corn

Yorkshire Pudding

MALLARD TIME

2010-12-27T20:26:00.000-08:00

This young buck got a couple home cooked meals over the holiday.

Sonoma duck stuffed with sausage and fig, wild rice and roasted brussel sprout.

What can I say, I like the way your put together.

BLONDE HAIR GREEN EYES

2010-12-18T07:45:00.001-08:00

The German superior race also included weird taste buds.

Spinach soup with cinnamon to start, then seared scallops with spaghetti squash and a curry rice? That x-large vodka lemonade was my life raft.

TURKEY & RED WINE

2010-12-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving 2010. Calculating pounds per person, each of my guests were able to eat 3.5 pounds of turkey.

HOW LOVELY

2010-12-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

Chardonnay and Quiche. Now your grown.

CARNITAS CRUSADER

2010-12-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

The other day I started a gang, and got jumped in by giving myself a rowdy gut punch.

Feeling like a gentleman I decided to show love to the salvadorian taco shop next door to my regular spot. This place was disappointing, I blame myself. I had a bad feeling when I entered the establishment, I should have done the truffle shuffle out the door and across the street. So a few hours later I hit up Hugos in Atwater village. What can I say, I'm down for the gang!

LE CHEVAL

2010-12-17T16:18:00.000-08:00

Salad for breakfast? At first I got super angry when this bullshit showed up on my plate instead of some hash browns. Now its the 3rd time I've eaten at The French Market Cafe, and I'm afraid to admit the French have a good system. My method in this situation is to immediately attack the greenery, shovel it dressing-free into your mouth. This way you can get the health eating for the day out of the way. Now you have a free ticket to be a crap face.

OPEN HERE

2010-11-11T15:53:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorites finds. This box tells a gripping tale of strong character development and will power.

LOIN SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY

2010-11-11T15:38:00.000-08:00

As a Viking, I need plenty of protein and nutrient rich food to stay gazelle like on the battle field. Here's something not only delicious but colon friendly too!

Grilled pork tenderloin- salt/pepper,olive oil, minced garlic. Medium high flame, about 15-20 min. Make sure to get a good color on your loin.

Onion+squash- drizzle with balsamic vinegar, olive oil, salt/pepper. Grill them on a high flame.

Israeli Cous-cous-Read the directions on the box

Today I recommend you drive dangerously.

CRAFTY

2010-11-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

I have an idea to create a simple t-shirt that comes pre- looking like your perspiring profusely. Large sweat stains will give the impression your working super hard, when in fact your just picking your butt on a vacant film lot. Make sure you have access to water, splash some on your face for a believable glisten.

PICK UP PIECES

2010-11-02T09:44:00.000-07:00

Candy and Tissues.

BIG CHEESTER

2010-08-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

Doing dishes sucks less when you have a sweet view. ssshhhhh

GO FOR IT, GO FOR IT!!

2010-08-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

Again my Clydesdale affiliate up in the Bay gallops his way across the finish line.

Edamame, sesame green salad and panko crusted dynamite salmon.

You are dynamite! Keep'em coming butthole...

FEEL THE BEET!

2010-07-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

A natural in the kitchen, this super chef is powered by German steel! This is my favorite type of meal with a few of my favorite things. First off this is a Vietnamese fish called 'Swai', with a sundried tomato sauce.

Roasted beets and wild rice. However, the show stopper was the sauteed beet leaves. Mixed with olive oil, butter and honey, this tastes amazing for looking ugly and healthy. I guess your suppose to peel beets before cooking.

GET NAILED

2010-07-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ribs, salmon, asparagus, salad, boner.

WAKE UP LIL SNOOZY

2010-07-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

A food truck at my disposal might be the most incredible thing thats ever happen to me.

I'm never washing my hands again.

JUICY J

2010-07-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

On that juice. Apparently the 'especial' is carrot/strawberry.

VEAL IT OUT

2010-07-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

This dish is right out of Baby Bjorns First Cookbook, super duper easy and fast as fuck.

Veal cutlet- flour, egg/w parsley, panko bread crumbs, then into canola oil till they have a nice tan.

Steamed rice

Snap peas- little bit butter, olive oil, minced garlic, salt/pepper

BALLS STUCK TO LEG

2010-07-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

A nice lil heat wave has finally made its way to Los Angeles, which leaves me figuring out fun ways to beat the heat. Although I would prefer slip n' slides, BBqs work just as well. Grilled shrimp and halibut tacos and enough budweiser to sink a battle ship. Ice cubes down the pants is manditory.

DAS' GOOD, YA YA YA.

2010-07-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

I've shined some light on 3 squares cafe before, but this place really hits'em outta the park.

Here i chose the ''Ham Steak'' only because i had never tried before. Enough spinach to choke a donkey, sunny side up eggs on a big steak of ham accompanied with a bacon/scallion scone.

Have a double cappuccino on the side and you'll want to kick the day ahead of you in the dick.

IRON PUMP

2010-07-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

This might look like a plastic utensil, but this is a carbon fiber fork. Better have some quality shit if you have the pleasure of me tasting your shit. Clydesdale will break your face too.

WHACK-KOW

2010-07-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

Fireworks, american flags, DUI's. See you next year Uncle Sam.

HAPPY FOURTH FUCKER

2010-07-05T20:48:00.000-07:00

Pay tribute to our forefathers dying face down in the mud! I couldn't even tell you what really happen july 4th a million years ago.

Vegan root beer float cupcakes to salute america and chocolate sludge cake to celebrate the oil spill.

LINCOLN CONTINENTAL

2010-06-24T01:43:00.000-07:00

Nothing wrong with a free breakfast.

I'M FULL

2010-06-24T01:36:00.000-07:00

Veal 2 ways.

Carpaccio w/ parma

sliced thin w/ mayo, tuna, caper sauce.

Can I have more bread please?

MEDIUM-RARE VIEW

2010-06-24T01:28:00.000-07:00

Steak on a plate and a plain salad. I'll take 2 more por-favore. I ate this as quickly as possible and ran to take a long swim in the lake. Waiting 30min is just a myth, get to back stroken!

NO FUCKING PIZZA?

2010-06-24T01:11:00.000-07:00

The Clydesdale went over to Italy with idea to eat everything but pasta & pizza. At this particular moment, all i wanted was a gigantic pizza and beer. Through broken translations Ifound out that they don't serve pizza till dinner. After I kicked salami sam in the pantalones I tried his antipasti tasting. Heres what 20 euros got me. I did get my big beer! Life totally sucks.

Walnut, celery salad w/ cheese

Mushroom pastry pocket

Butter/ sage ravioli

Veal in a mushroom/ pea sauce

Chocolate flan with liquor sauce

JUST LIKE AMERICA

2010-06-24T01:05:00.000-07:00

Can you rewrite this in english please?

EATALY

2010-06-24T00:50:00.000-07:00

Veal was as popular and plentiful as our chicken. Veal is a baby cow, its white meat very tender. Since baby cows aren't grass grazing yet, their only source of nutrition is it's mothers milk. Thanks mom.

Extra lardo with cheese puff bread

Veal with a barolo wine sauce & asparagus.

It was asparagus season, which meant my pee reeked very badly. I like the smell, it makes me realize how fast the body reacts to what you consume.

NO ESPRESSO TO GO

2010-06-24T00:39:00.000-07:00

The Clydesdale got to get away for a couple weeks to help Europe get more Americanized. With dozens of requests from different countries, The Clydesdale finally chose to guest lecture at The Worlds Fair Culinary Convention in Milan, Italy. Chao bambino buttface!

ROAD DRINK

2010-06-24T00:18:00.000-07:00

All I need is a turbo straw.

GOT GAME?

2010-06-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

Game Hen- rinsed and patted dry, hella salt, pepper. Butter mix of minced garlic, thyme and parsley, 2 oranges squeezed over the bird. Roasted uncovered for 1 hour 15 min @ 350.

Parsnips/Carrots- olive oil, salt/pepper. Roasted for 25 min @ 400. Sauce is honey, butter and vinegar brought to a boil, then drizzle on veggies.

Salad- arugala and fennel with shallot and walnuts.

Ribs-classic croc pot style as an appetizer.

The Clydesdale apologizes for the hiatus, check back soon for the most interesting food stuff in the world.

STOMPED OUT

2010-06-22T12:24:00.000-07:00

Cut in front of The Clydesdale at a buffet and you'll have my signature on your ass forever.

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE...

2010-05-27T04:00:00.000-07:00

...Or I will wash your mouth out with a mixture of seaweed, bonito flakes, sesame seeds, wasabi crumbles and other asian stuff. Sprinkle it all over me!

NOT DISHWASHER SAFE

2010-05-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

Found a new coffee cup at my secret antique spot. Shhhhhh

BEAN FLICKER

2010-05-24T06:25:00.000-07:00

This delightful lunch came together because it was literally the only 4 things I had left in the Clydesdale Kitchen.

Sweet Chilli grilled Chicken, Green beans w/ toasted almonds, Broccoli & Cheddar rice.

PLUMPERS

2010-05-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

The squirrels that call my avocado tree home, are the biggest on the block. They stay nice and husky with an endless supply of healthy fat. I come out to my yard daily to find their left overs on the branch. They better start eating the whole avocado if they don't want a skewers up their lil buttholes.

WE BE CLUBBIN'

2010-05-13T20:10:00.001-07:00

Took this whole thing down before I played 18 holes. Afterward I felt like 50 Cent punched me in my lower intestine.

FAUX FRENCH FOO

2010-05-12T22:19:00.001-07:00

The glowing turd on my plate is tofu scramble. This more important than me vegan today showed up to work at 7:30 am eating Trader Joes Soy Chikin Nuggets. Don't know why this bothered me so much, I feel like doing this is along the lines of turning gay just to get laid alot?

SUNSET SANDWICH

2010-05-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

Two bites is all it took for someone to toss their bread sandwich to the ground. A stroll down Sunset blvd is never dull.

HEALTHY SUCKS

2010-05-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

The Art Director on set was vegan. So lunch was a healthy and boring one. I would look at him and secretly flip him off in my mind and call him names like, 'Boner Breath'.

MUSCLE PIE

2010-05-04T16:36:00.000-07:00

2-3 DAY BUISNESS

2010-04-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

Eat this whole bowl of nacho cheese, then burp in a plastic bag, zip it shut and mail it to a good friend of yours.

SUCKA-TASH

2010-04-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

Suckertosh, sokertush, sucatash, succotash. The 4th one is the correct answer. Another thing coming correct is this meal!

Pan seared jumbo Scallops, grilled corn/ carrots, broiled asparagus, jasmin rice cooked in veggie stock, wedge of lemon, tent pitched in crotch of pants.

MAKING CHONCHO

2010-04-23T14:46:00.000-07:00

WOW, THAT'S SO INTERESTING

2010-04-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

I'll spare my few readers of any comments and get to the science shit.

If you can't cook rice or make a salad, you should hang yourself.

Roasted Carrots, drizzle some butter, olive oil, salt and maple syrup. Broil till fork tender.

Filet- Seared on medium-high heat for 3 mins. Then into a 375 degree oven for 8-10 mins.

MOTOR BOAT MY BALLS

2010-04-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

Shit fuck. Pardon my french, but La Boulange in San Francisco wins the golden boner award. I get all weird and nervous in here because i can't make up my mind. Here is Granola and yogurt with fruit. And a ham+cheese croissant. Their little milk and condiments table rules as well, where else can you find free nutella and fresh honey? 9 out of 10 corn dogs.

BIRKENSTOCK SALE

2010-04-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

Oh San Francisco, you make me feel good every fucking time. I had to hold my breath while walking up Haight st. to get to the Citrus Club. This is some bland peanut noodles that had to be spiced up with cock sauce and warshed down with hella beer. AND! If you find yourself in the area and need to piss, you can cruise in here. It'll be to busy for anyone to notice. Go down the entrance hallway, make an immediate right when the wall ends, go through the stoner beads. You should get a burrito across the street at Zona Rosa.

OAKLAND BITCH!

2010-04-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hung over in Oakland called for something special. Despite what you may think, parts of Oakland are quite nice. And all you have to do is turn the corner for some rich diversity. Lock the doors and role the windows up! We gonna beat this head ache with a Shrimp ceviche tostadas from a mexi-truck. Sorry, forgot the name and GPS coordinates for this life saving spot. If your also looking for a hooker and jewelery, this can also be arranged all while eating your food.

WANNA PORK?

2010-04-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

I didn't know breakfast existed in Germany. I also didn't know Los Angeles had a good restaurant. 3 Squares Cafe, in Venice Beach, body slams all the hippies in the area and delivers a bangin 'german' breakfast. This is the Pulled Pork Hash fo yo ass.

wheel deal

2010-04-05T17:41:00.000-07:00

If you see me walking weird and sweating, it is because i just beat cool hand Luke at a hard boiled egg eating contest. Then I entered the Vegan Burger Cupcake eating contest and won that too. Then I peeled out into the sunset on the Wheelie Cool.

BABY-QUE

2010-04-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

When two people love each other very much, they hug really close in the dark for five minutes. Then the girl rubs her hand in circles on her tummy, and just like Jiffy-Pop, a baby appears inside. Baby back ribs, salmon, asparagus, chicken, sweet hawaiian role.

CYBER TOOTH SPACE SPECIAL

2010-04-03T06:18:00.000-07:00

Not being at this din-din looked like a major bummer. This ethnic sounding meal comes to ya'll from Sarah in Silverlake via her car phone.

Kabocha Pumpkin Soup

''Soup has basil garni that's got enough garlic to kill H1N1, served also with marscapone.

Salad of micro greens, avocado and my secret sauce, lets just say its reminiscent of coconut Riesling and walnut."

Well crap, this makes my 'ON TAP' article look pathetic.

OMEGA MOO

2010-04-02T23:46:00.000-07:00

Don't look like a nerd on set by not knowing the proper terminology. This is just a glimpse of the smorgasbord I endured this week with the help from Craft Services. Now pick your favorite looking dish, and then call your best friend to gossip about The Clydesdale.

ON TAP

2010-04-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

Shiver me timber, finally a to-go package that makes sense.

Here's a survival tip when your in the shit and your life depends on a warm meal.

Ingredients needed- hot water, cup, a couple Tap packs, spoon.

Put scolding water half way up coffee cup.

Add Tap packs, stir, and you have a wonderful spicy Mexican soup.

THE PLACE WITH THE HUGE TABLE?

2010-04-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

Read a book while you enjoy your fucking pho, cash only. Viet, in Atwater Village, seems to sprinkle magic on most of their dishes. This is my go-to favorite, Jack fruit noodle. Now realizing what the ingredients are in the dish, I believe it is vegan. Now I feel awkward, like Paul from the Wonder Years.

BEANS EN LA BARRIO'

2010-04-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

Out of towners had to blow the dust off this place for me. Il Abajo, in Highland Park, is as unassuming as any other mexican eatery in east LA. This is the Huevos a la Mexicana! Yelling your order will ensure the awesome ancient waitress can understand you. Besides taco tuesdays in my barrio, this is by far the best bang for your buck in LA. This mexican morning food spot gets an 8 out of 10 corn dogs. Everything you see on this plate was together inside me, very poetic.

DEATHWISH

2010-03-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

This is probably the best scheme out there. I wore my heart on my sleeve last time i let out San Diegos best kept secret. This card allows loyal customers to receive a free hoagie if they purchase 9 of them? Impossible, the last person who was at number 8 died. I'm still chugging Pepto bismal since I ate there 3 months ago.

LET ME SEA IT

2010-03-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

Mother nature is rad. She has a way of taking and giving in the most extreme way. The human body is made of many different components that have work and rely on each other. The ankle is connected to the knee, the knee is connected to the hip...An earth quake destroying a counrty a million miles away can and will send a 600 mile tsunami west. Why getting to see the bay suck out and come back destroying everything in its way a reason to party? I don't know, false alarm. FUCK

AMERICAN ME

2010-03-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

Next time there better not be shit sticking out the top of my burger. Tell me a foreign chef prepared this, and i might have to buy a prosthetic leg to kick myself in the dick. Here under the fireworks of dumb veggies is a turkey burger with a apple chutney.

SIAMIN SAYS

2010-03-21T21:05:00.000-07:00

Siamin says grab your ankles. I'm pretty sure this dish covers the whole food pyramid in a bowl. With enough protein to make you rip a phone book and your shorts in half, Hamura's, in the country of Kauai, will only set you back about 5 sand dollars. The girgling full feeling afterward and sticking out like a Clydesdale in a distant land? -priceless!

6 PIECE

2010-03-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

My excuse for everything is that i was born in the wrong time era. Besides my rustic cooking all it takes for me is to close my eyes and i'm back in the 16th century pillaging villages and stealing live stock to take aboard for my viking voyage. This bird imp articular was named 'lil six piece''. After i was done sucking the cartilage off the ligaments, i gathered all the bones and made a dagger. By the time you read this, my new yard bird dagger will be impaled in the chest of a humble peasant.

SAUCE-ALITO BANDITO

2010-01-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

Mercedes-Benz, poetry, neck ties, ivy league, tater tots. Classy and timeless is the way we do things in my hood and everyone on board the Clydesdale is on the same program. Timeless tots and secret sauce, I wouldn't have my sunday fundays any way else.

BONE IN'

2010-01-18T07:55:00.000-08:00

The Clydesdale was down south this weekend not only to donate balls to a fierce, unforgiving golf course, but to also let my hair down and enjoy NFL playoffs with the homies! Kick off was on our heels when i sped off to the local grocery store for supplies. The market was in chaos as if people were gearing up for a major disaster. I elbowed my way to the meat aisle just to see an elderly woman take off with the last set of ribs and wings. This is where years of intensive improvising comes in. I took off my shoes and tip toed behind her in my socks so i was undetectable. I could smell the blue in her hair right before i tapped her right shoulder, only to go around to her left and snatch her prey away! Oldest trick in the book.

Ribs- 350 degrees covered for 1hour 30 min. Put some color on these by a quick broil or grill.

Wings- cook in sauce and beer till done.

NUTTED ON

2010-01-10T07:01:00.000-08:00

I have on layers upon layers while resting my balls on a space heater and i'm still freezing. Apparently the structure I live in was built on a Native American burial ground.

Pecans date back all the way to the 16th century. The name 'pecan' is a Native American word of alognquin origin that was used to describe ''All nuts requiring a stone to crack''.

All the while breaking no stereo types at all, crafty Natives used to produce a fermented intoxicating drink called ''Powcohicora'' from the pecan. Why stop at fermenting?

Pecan nut bread, cut and toasted in butter. You just got blasted.

MUST KEEP GOING

2010-01-08T08:01:00.000-08:00

Recently one of the Clydesdale kitchen members not only banged out an amazing dish, but concluded her extensive research in what foods help fight fatigue and weakness as well as promote a focused brain. A simple game of Rummikub snow balled down hells abyss into a full on 7 hour battle. I like to think i lost with my boots pulled up tight and my shirt unwrinkled.

Carrot, Butternut squash Soup, and large pasta shells with sauteed mushrooms, zuchinni and squash.

NIGHT NIGHT HONEY

2009-12-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

BACON+CHEESE+BURGER+SAUTEED ONIONS+KRINKLE FRIES= ZZZZZZZZZ

XOXO'S

2009-12-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

I've been really into flipping people off while driving around Los Angeles lately. With the holiday season here in full fledge blast off mode, people seem to let their feelings go one way or the other. And just when you thought waking up on the wrong side of the bed was normal, some motherfucker puts a heart of foam in your Machiato. The confusing yet fun coffee shop, Intelegensia, will bring you right back to the classic Steve Martin film, LA Story. I would say people watching is fun here, but who wants to look at a bunch a dip shits? Next time I want a vagina in my Machiato.

TURKEY TITS

2009-11-29T12:38:00.000-08:00

Its no wonder the Pilgrims won the hearts of Native Americans many moons ago. Put this yard bird in front of anyone and see what happens. I didn't want to take my hand out of my new lovers cavity. This lovely bird spoke to me as soon as I released her from the package. I threw away all recipes and just listened to her body. I just stared at this bare pale dead body, imagining raising this bird from young. Nurturing her, pumping her full of spices and herbs since her hatch. I washed her sensually in a cold bath, fisting her cavity, parading her around like a famished viking. I patted her dry, everywhere...Sprinkled lots of salt and pepper in and on her. I slowly worked my hands between her titties and the skin. I worked in a mix of butter, rosemary, sage and thyme. In her bath for the oven treatment I gave her some white wine, chicken stock, onion, oranges and garlic, as well as that gushing out her cavity. I loosely covered her with large foil and in the oven at 325 degrees. After the longest 3 hours of my life, i uncovered her and back in for another 45 min or until your meat is at least 165 degrees.

Wash the fuck out your kitchen or you will get salmonella and your balls will transfer on your body to above your dick.

NO DISHWASHER NEEDED

2009-11-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

I wish i could remember what this place was called. We made this sushi vanish in record time. Our waitress was very impressed, and admitted to us she hadn't seen a magic trick like that since David Blaine made her panties disappear.

FINGER BLASTED

2009-11-11T13:17:00.000-08:00

Today at the Clydesdale kitchen we said, fuck vegetables and fuck utensils. We wanted shitty finger food while my team of chefs brainstormed turkey day. Cream cheese and jalapeno wontons to start, then pigs in a blanket to settle the stomach.

SETTING THE STANDARD

2009-11-11T12:58:00.000-08:00

Sorry friends and family, but this meal was hands down the greatest thing put in front of me this year. My good friends Jacob and Sarah were kind enough to give my taste buds huge boners. Hope you don't get stuck next to me on an airplane or bus, because i'll just talk about this dinner. As soon as i walked in their house, i wanted to do snow angels in whatever i was smelling. I would tell you all thats going on here, but i think just looking is more sexy.

HOT SEAT

2009-10-27T10:37:00.000-07:00

I was minding my own business, cuddled up next to the fire with a good book when all of a sudden a couple of cute biker boys kicked in my door! Guess i have to replace my book with a cold one. I really showed my toughness to these outlaws by kicking them both in the dick at Dominoes. One out of three ain't bad, due to the fact my Dart skills and my Connect Four skills are not up to par. You boys headed off to rape and pillage more? Not without a well balanced breakfast!

BUGGIN OUT

2009-10-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

MORNING SUNSHINE

2009-10-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

Eat this in the morning or you will die. Side of OJ is optional.

MAI BAD

2009-10-24T07:26:00.000-07:00

What else are you suppose to do after going to an art show in Anaheim? Some of the Clydesdale Committee took refuge at OutBack Steak House, we kept the night real classy after taking in some art and culture. If i was Australian i would set fire to every one of these restaurants. Ordering stuff here is fun, I'll have the Captains Mai Tai thrown double overboard mate. Excuse me, wheres the little blokes room?

WASH HANDS BEFORE DIN DIN

2009-10-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

Captain Richard and Chef Steph have a really solid one, two punch when they have dinner parties. You know your gonna have a good night when the company is just as good as the food. If you do try your luck in an after dinner game of Dominoes, try to limit your trips to the bone yard. We don't want to wake the neighbors. Roasted squash, Tri tip, vegan pumpkin bread, vegan rosemary cookies.

HAIL ROSEMARY, FULL OF GRACE

2009-10-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

Apparently these were my idea, which i'll take full responsibility for. I woke up at 5 am the next morning thinking hard bout these Vegan Rosemary Shortbread Cookies. I don't know what you substitute butter with, but it sure did work. Well done Chef Steph, you have a much better record than your Buccaneers.

SURVIVAL KIT

2009-10-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

Rainy days are the best with strong warm spirits. Let these enter your body and thaw out that cold heart of yours. I think the term for these are 'Hot Toddy'? But that name sucks alot. So I'm just calling this drank Bun Warmers.

-Heat up apple drink on stove top with cinnamon and orange slices

-Pour desired whiskey in your cup, then add warm apple drank, top with orange slice.

Now pour a lil out for your homies.

JUST ADD ME

2009-10-18T08:06:00.000-07:00

I'm the secret ingredient to any good time. And the secret ingredient to these bangin lil southwestern corn breads is only water. I like to always take things one step in to the future. So after these cooled down a little bit, i cut them in half and toasted them in butter. This definitely gets the hand whammy seal of approval.

1,2,3

2009-10-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

I've been using chopsticks improperly now for about 24yrs. Guess i'll learn the right way once I stop typing with one finger.

DOUBLE DICKER

2009-10-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

One of the best inventions ever is the Double Decker Taco. Here we took a modern day favorite and gave it some class. I would love to shake the hand of the fine person at the Taco Bell corporation for breathing life back in to American fast food. But here at the kitchen were all about looking good and eating good. A rainy day with friends included inspiration from south of the border.

Veggie Double Decker Tacos

-Soy ground meat, add taco seasoning and cook. i sauteed some onion before the meat..

-Re fried beans, your choice, this glues the shell to the tortilla

-Spanish rice

-Sauteed squash and zucchini w/garlic

The next steps are up to you. Don't fuck up.

THREE WAY

2009-10-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

3 is better than 2. And 2 is better than 1. And sporks are cooler than forks.

Triple your intake by fitting as much different protein on your utensil as possible.

Here i combined shrimp, steak and chicken. I received a Blue Ribbon at the County Science Fair

for the chemical reaction that took place in my stomach.

AS AMERICAN AS

2009-10-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

American as shit. I've featured Chef Shantis Veggie Meatloaf before, but this crowd pleaser really delivers. And with the addition of apple pie to top things off, things are looking good in Echo Park. Of course i forgot to get recipes, but they will be featured soon. Or you can not be a pussy and try to make it.

I WANT YOU INSIDE ME

2009-10-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

Life is near perfect with the gracious hospitality of the Palomares siblings when i venture down to San Diego. We are really hard to please round here, darts, indoor putting, dominoes, watching sports, Chimichangas. That's right, i dropped the 'C' word. These homemade delights were compliments of renowned Chef Sarah P. Once i entered the Dojo i was taken by surprise with someone handing this to me. No one sneaks up on a ninja! I wish i could say my initial thought was to devour this, but it wasn't. All i could think about was fucking this Chimichanga. Once i voiced my concern to my colleagues, they reassured me that this wasn't weird, and that they too had experienced such thoughts. Get me to eat salad? Cuddle it next to this.

JUNKYARD KITTY

2009-09-25T23:58:00.000-07:00

Are you fucking serious? This is a brand of cat food? I have had my feline life companion, HORCHATA, now for 7 years, finding her food most ways come from me regurgitating my Waffle House special into her mouth CPR style. Every breath of bacon gives her strength and vitality. But never have i ever come across this brand of kitty buffet. "No sorry, my cat prefers to eat only Alley Cat."

THATS A GREAT EXCUSE

2009-09-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

I really like when friends of mine have guests visiting. Food, drank, serious carpet cutting. To really sum it up, its a free pass for you to be a crap face. Which i love. I'll dig into the Cheetohs and leave my paw prints every fucking where. You'll go through a whole pack of Chore Boys by the time i leave your place. On a serious note, please remember to always clean up after yourself, and offer to do some dishes. In this case, I for some reason justified shoving a cupcake in my pocket for my skip home. I really gave the fashion with function department something to think about. Now i can really say that stain on my stir-ups is frosting.

CUE JAWS SOUNDTRACK

2009-09-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

Fuck flasks or shot glasses. Party Shark eats up the competition. This Party Shark has been in my friend Ricks family for generations, being passed down only to the strongest of sons. Receiving a Party Shark is close to being knighted, it has that much authority in the streets, and in the water. It has been to every continent twice, kicking the dog shit out of locals.

Simply hold the Party Shark upside down, fill his cavity and mouth with drank, say good bye to your friends and shoot! With no warning you will be cursing Speilbergs name in vein or pissing your buddys couch, either one works. Don't ask me why all through the night fucking with the Party Shark sounded like a bad idea till 4 in the morning. There's been more lips on this thing than the Blarney Stone.

CHIRP n BURP

2009-09-22T06:11:00.000-07:00

I believe there is a golf term called the bump and run. A shot designed for fine gentlemen, the golfer bumps the ball from the fringe or rough on to the green. With proper trajectory, the ball will run to the hole. And if you so do find yourself in this position and you hole it out, it is a certified open pass to tee off your buddys dick on the next hole. Hey, I'm just going by the rules here, section 19 paragraph 5. Please check back soon to see how this American Stallion utilizes every part of these wings.