NIGHT NIGHT HONEY

BACON+CHEESE+BURGER+SAUTEED ONIONS+KRINKLE FRIES= ZZZZZZZZZ

XOXO'S

I've been really into flipping people off while driving around Los Angeles lately. With the holiday season here in full fledge blast off mode, people seem to let their feelings go one way or the other. And just when you thought waking up on the wrong side of the bed was normal, some motherfucker puts a heart of foam in your Machiato. The confusing yet fun coffee shop, Intelegensia, will bring you right back to the classic Steve Martin film, LA Story. I would say people watching is fun here, but who wants to look at a bunch a dip shits? Next time I want a vagina in my Machiato.

TURKEY TITS

Its no wonder the Pilgrims won the hearts of Native Americans many moons ago. Put this yard bird in front of anyone and see what happens. I didn't want to take my hand out of my new lovers cavity. This lovely bird spoke to me as soon as I released her from the package. I threw away all recipes and just listened to her body. I just stared at this bare pale dead body, imagining raising this bird from young. Nurturing her, pumping her full of spices and herbs since her hatch. I washed her sensually in a cold bath, fisting her cavity, parading her around like a famished viking. I patted her dry, everywhere...Sprinkled lots of salt and pepper in and on her. I slowly worked my hands between her titties and the skin. I worked in a mix of butter, rosemary, sage and thyme. In her bath for the oven treatment I gave her some white wine, chicken stock, onion, oranges and garlic, as well as that gushing out her cavity. I loosely covered her with large foil and in the oven at 325 degrees. After the longest 3 hours of my life, i uncovered her and back in for another 45 min or until your meat is at least 165 degrees.

Wash the fuck out your kitchen or you will get salmonella and your balls will transfer on your body to above your dick.

NO DISHWASHER NEEDED

I wish i could remember what this place was called. We made this sushi vanish in record time. Our waitress was very impressed, and admitted to us she hadn't seen a magic trick like that since David Blaine made her panties disappear.

FINGER BLASTED

Today at the Clydesdale kitchen we said, fuck vegetables and fuck utensils. We wanted shitty finger food while my team of chefs brainstormed turkey day. Cream cheese and jalapeno wontons to start, then pigs in a blanket to settle the stomach.

SETTING THE STANDARD

Sorry friends and family, but this meal was hands down the greatest thing put in front of me this year. My good friends Jacob and Sarah were kind enough to give my taste buds huge boners. Hope you don't get stuck next to me on an airplane or bus, because i'll just talk about this dinner. As soon as i walked in their house, i wanted to do snow angels in whatever i was smelling. I would tell you all thats going on here, but i think just looking is more sexy.

HOT SEAT

I was minding my own business, cuddled up next to the fire with a good book when all of a sudden a couple of cute biker boys kicked in my door! Guess i have to replace my book with a cold one. I really showed my toughness to these outlaws by kicking them both in the dick at Dominoes. One out of three ain't bad, due to the fact my Dart skills and my Connect Four skills are not up to par. You boys headed off to rape and pillage more? Not without a well balanced breakfast!

BUGGIN OUT

MORNING SUNSHINE

Eat this in the morning or you will die. Side of OJ is optional.

MAI BAD

What else are you suppose to do after going to an art show in Anaheim? Some of the Clydesdale Committee took refuge at OutBack Steak House, we kept the night real classy after taking in some art and culture. If i was Australian i would set fire to every one of these restaurants. Ordering stuff here is fun, I'll have the Captains Mai Tai thrown double overboard mate. Excuse me, wheres the little blokes room?

WASH HANDS BEFORE DIN DIN

Captain Richard and Chef Steph have a really solid one, two punch when they have dinner parties. You know your gonna have a good night when the company is just as good as the food. If you do try your luck in an after dinner game of Dominoes, try to limit your trips to the bone yard. We don't want to wake the neighbors. Roasted squash, Tri tip, vegan pumpkin bread, vegan rosemary cookies.

HAIL ROSEMARY, FULL OF GRACE

Apparently these were my idea, which i'll take full responsibility for. I woke up at 5 am the next morning thinking hard bout these Vegan Rosemary Shortbread Cookies. I don't know what you substitute butter with, but it sure did work. Well done Chef Steph, you have a much better record than your Buccaneers.

SURVIVAL KIT

Rainy days are the best with strong warm spirits. Let these enter your body and thaw out that cold heart of yours. I think the term for these are 'Hot Toddy'? But that name sucks alot. So I'm just calling this drank Bun Warmers.

-Heat up apple drink on stove top with cinnamon and orange slices

-Pour desired whiskey in your cup, then add warm apple drank, top with orange slice.

Now pour a lil out for your homies.

JUST ADD ME

I'm the secret ingredient to any good time. And the secret ingredient to these bangin lil southwestern corn breads is only water. I like to always take things one step in to the future. So after these cooled down a little bit, i cut them in half and toasted them in butter. This definitely gets the hand whammy seal of approval.

1,2,3

I've been using chopsticks improperly now for about 24yrs. Guess i'll learn the right way once I stop typing with one finger.

DOUBLE DICKER

One of the best inventions ever is the Double Decker Taco. Here we took a modern day favorite and gave it some class. I would love to shake the hand of the fine person at the Taco Bell corporation for breathing life back in to American fast food. But here at the kitchen were all about looking good and eating good. A rainy day with friends included inspiration from south of the border.

Veggie Double Decker Tacos

-Soy ground meat, add taco seasoning and cook. i sauteed some onion before the meat..

-Re fried beans, your choice, this glues the shell to the tortilla

-Spanish rice

-Sauteed squash and zucchini w/garlic

The next steps are up to you. Don't fuck up.

THREE WAY

3 is better than 2. And 2 is better than 1. And sporks are cooler than forks.

Triple your intake by fitting as much different protein on your utensil as possible.

Here i combined shrimp, steak and chicken. I received a Blue Ribbon at the County Science Fair

for the chemical reaction that took place in my stomach.

AS AMERICAN AS

American as shit. I've featured Chef Shantis Veggie Meatloaf before, but this crowd pleaser really delivers. And with the addition of apple pie to top things off, things are looking good in Echo Park. Of course i forgot to get recipes, but they will be featured soon. Or you can not be a pussy and try to make it.

I WANT YOU INSIDE ME

Life is near perfect with the gracious hospitality of the Palomares siblings when i venture down to San Diego. We are really hard to please round here, darts, indoor putting, dominoes, watching sports, Chimichangas. That's right, i dropped the 'C' word. These homemade delights were compliments of renowned Chef Sarah P. Once i entered the Dojo i was taken by surprise with someone handing this to me. No one sneaks up on a ninja! I wish i could say my initial thought was to devour this, but it wasn't. All i could think about was fucking this Chimichanga. Once i voiced my concern to my colleagues, they reassured me that this wasn't weird, and that they too had experienced such thoughts. Get me to eat salad? Cuddle it next to this.

JUNKYARD KITTY

Are you fucking serious? This is a brand of cat food? I have had my feline life companion, HORCHATA, now for 7 years, finding her food most ways come from me regurgitating my Waffle House special into her mouth CPR style. Every breath of bacon gives her strength and vitality. But never have i ever come across this brand of kitty buffet. "No sorry, my cat prefers to eat only Alley Cat."

THATS A GREAT EXCUSE

I really like when friends of mine have guests visiting. Food, drank, serious carpet cutting. To really sum it up, its a free pass for you to be a crap face. Which i love. I'll dig into the Cheetohs and leave my paw prints every fucking where. You'll go through a whole pack of Chore Boys by the time i leave your place. On a serious note, please remember to always clean up after yourself, and offer to do some dishes. In this case, I for some reason justified shoving a cupcake in my pocket for my skip home. I really gave the fashion with function department something to think about. Now i can really say that stain on my stir-ups is frosting.

CUE JAWS SOUNDTRACK

Fuck flasks or shot glasses. Party Shark eats up the competition. This Party Shark has been in my friend Ricks family for generations, being passed down only to the strongest of sons. Receiving a Party Shark is close to being knighted, it has that much authority in the streets, and in the water. It has been to every continent twice, kicking the dog shit out of locals.

Simply hold the Party Shark upside down, fill his cavity and mouth with drank, say good bye to your friends and shoot! With no warning you will be cursing Speilbergs name in vein or pissing your buddys couch, either one works. Don't ask me why all through the night fucking with the Party Shark sounded like a bad idea till 4 in the morning. There's been more lips on this thing than the Blarney Stone.

CHIRP n BURP

I believe there is a golf term called the bump and run. A shot designed for fine gentlemen, the golfer bumps the ball from the fringe or rough on to the green. With proper trajectory, the ball will run to the hole. And if you so do find yourself in this position and you hole it out, it is a certified open pass to tee off your buddys dick on the next hole. Hey, I'm just going by the rules here, section 19 paragraph 5. Please check back soon to see how this American Stallion utilizes every part of these wings.

BITCH WANTS FISH

The fine people here at the Clydesdale Kitchen meet several times a week to discuss important culinary topics, world politics, foreign policy and of course the most important day of the year, Charlies Birthday! We find any excuse here to party, but this was no excuse, this was big business. 2 years ago this bundle of joy passed through her mothers birth canal and into the world. Since we are in dog years, 2x7=14. So pretty much this was Charlies Quinceanera bash. Didn't get an invite? Probably cause you were not invited.

#147

I love places that are known for having one good thing, why don't i just set one up for Zack Barns to side out your ass. Los Campos in Culver City is known for their burrito. How do i know? Because it says it on their sign. I made sure to park it by the window for fully standard regulation examining conditions. It held its shape through most the consumption, but really lost composure toward the last 1/3. The generous helping of guacamole over took the womb and ultimately deducted points for its maker. Am i the only one who thinks avocado is over rated? Well put a skewer in my weiner hole then. This burrito gets a 7 out of 10 corn dogs.

BUENO

Los Angeles is full of shitty places to eat, but this place is good. GOOD, on sunset follows the trend of many local fart factories and has a simple dumb name. Which figures, fast food has gone from ordering food to ordering numbers. So with most people sharing a brain in this region, it makes sense to just go by adjectives. So why not name this place, GREAT? Cause its not, its only GOOD. If anyone needs a list of beers this long, your not from the USA. Ask what beers are on tap, there's about 9 of them and they will have you cruisin for a bruisin. Oh yeah and their canine friendly.

This place gets 6 out of 10 corn dogs.